Seasons in the Abyss

So I guess it's time to acknowledge that the universe is still here and my next mortgage payment and credit card bill are due. Thanks a fucking lot, Mayans. Way to let everyone down. So since we're still here (at least until Harold Camping carries a one in his calculations and gives doomsday another whirl), it's time to flip over another calendar and circle the important dates. Fortunately for you, I've annotated every every punk and grind moment of horological significance in 2013 for your convenience.

There's a Hole in May Heart That Can Only Be Filled By... Me



Valentine's Day is coming. Operation: Cliff Clavin let you off the hook.

The Last Call of Cthulhu



In a more just universe, March 15th would be an interdimensional holiday of squamous, tentacled celebration. Rudimentary Peni represent.

Juneteenth



Just a summertime jam from the Minutemen.

Summer Vacation!



And now a quick word from your travel agent, the Sex Pistols. Pass the cocoa butter and mankini.

Season of the Witch



I just had a lame pirate costume as a kid. The Dead Kennedys make me feel bad for even trying.

Dawn of the Dead (The Original, Not the Remake)



Mmmm. Sugar skulls. Nashgul remind us that Americans don't own all the holidays.

Jive Turkey



Agoraphobic Nosebleed
carveflip the bird.

Guess Who's Creeping Up Your Chimney



Twas the night before Grindmas, courtesy of Agoraphobic Nosebleed. Enough with Christmas, guys, I'm waiting for your epic Yom Kippur themed album.

Presents!



If you're lucky, coal is the only thing The Locust will leave in your stocking.

Weekend Punk Pick: Dead Kennedys

Many, many moons ago, I set out for college with a different Dead Kennedys shirt for every day of the week. So yeah, this band is kinda important to me. The DKs were a crucial link in my musical growth, my quest to find music that hit hard and had some intelligence behind it. And while Jello's lyrics are very pinpoint and hit on a host of '80s villains by name, the overarching themes of questioning authority, fear of governmental overreach and trying to keep the punk scene honest and relevant are just as applicable 30 years later.

The Namesake Series: "Chemical Warfare"

Decidedly non-grinding this time out, but I can't let the fact that both the Dead Kennedys and Slayer - probably two of the most defining bands of my pre-grind high school experience - have songs called "Chemical Warfare." The juxtaposition of Jello Biafra's comical indictment of chest-thumping militarism hilariously bounces off of Slayer's attempt to be all scary and serious and dark and oh sooooo metal.



The Dead Kennedys lived by Voltaire's prayer, and the 1980s provided them plenty of fodder for their sneering assault on stifling Reagan-era conformity. Biafra took the jingoistic fellating of the military and the United States' war-mongering prowess that was de rigueur at the time and upended it. What better target for liberated chemical weapons than your local country club?



In Slayer's hands, "Chemical Warfare" becomes an awesome, abrasive slab of relentless thrash that stands out on their finest all around release, Haunting the Chapel. (As an aside, can we all finally just admit that Reign in Blood is two great songs bookending a bunch of really meh filler? I mean, is there really a garage band out there clamoring to add "Reborn" or "Necrophobic" to their repertoire?) There is no humor to be had here. The jokers will only die laughing.


For totally bonus shits 'n' giggles, here's Sepultura's "Rest in Pain (R.I.P.)," which liberally steals from the Dead Kennedys' "Chemical Warfare" as it fades out.